BMW Faults


Do the axles of evil run through here?
Chris Plummer

BMW Drivers

Could you drive a BMW?

Do You Have What It Takes To Drive a BMW?

A BMW is a special kind of car, and it takes a special type of person to drive one. We have therefore devised an aptitude test to identify those of the required calibre.

Answer these simple questions to find out if you've got what it takes to drive a common German repmobile with questionable styling:

1. Your BMW is equipped with four orange flashing lights, one at each corner. What should you use them for?

A: To indicate my intention to turn at an approaching junction
B: Nothing: they are entirely decorative, and have no practical purpose
C: To enable me to park wherever and whenever I choose, regardless of disruption to other users of the footpath.

2. When might you use a hand-held mobile phone whilst driving your BMW?

A: Never, as it is inconsiderate to other road users.
B: Strictly in emergency situations only
C: All of the time: I need to keep calling people up to remind them how great I am.

3. You are doing 100 miles an hour in the outside lane of the motorway, when you come up behind another car. What do you do?

A: Slow down to a safer speed, and pull into the lane to my left
B: Ease off just a little to keep a safe distance between the other car and mine
C: Drive right up to the car's bumper and keep flashing my lights until the idiot gets out of my way.

4. Which of these best describes the kind of work that you do?

A: Caring for other people
B: Making something of practical use
C: Selling houses or drugs at a big profit

5. Your latest sales bonus / drug deal leaves you with an extra couple of thousand pounds to spend on your new BMW. What features might you add to its specification?

A: A full leather interior for comfort and durability
B: Satellite navigation to help me get to important meetings on time
C: A set of enormous alloy wheels that make the car look like a giant Tonka toy.

6. You drive your grandmother to the supermarket to do your shopping for you. Where do you park your BMW?

A: In a standard parking space, with all the ordinary cars
B: Parking spaces? I've got those orange lights, remember!
C: Supermarket? The old bat can take the bus and like it.

7. Because of a poorly-designed bend in the road, your BMW mounts a kerb, causing you to run into a group of schoolchildren, and almost drop your mobile phone. Your first words after the accident are most likely to be:

A: "I am so sorry, it's all my fault!" BR>B: "Stay calm everyone, I'll call an ambulance." BR>C: "I'll have to call you back, mate, some stupid kids have … Oh, my God! Look at the state of my car; I paid more than 25 grand for this, you know!"

8. Somebody says that you have such an ego that you think any criticism of you or your BMW can only be motivated by envy. What do you do?

A: Give consideration to what they say; maybe they have a point
B: Have a reasoned discussion to try and change their point of view
C: Ignore them: they are obviously jealous.

For each question that you answered ‘A' give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘B' give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘C' give yourself 10 points

Your Total
0 to 30 points: Get back to your Nissan Micra, loser!
40 to 50 points: Keep dreaming, or change jobs to something that involves no morals or scruples, then try again - one day you may get there and experience the full joy of BMW ownership!
60 to 70 points: Welcome to the world of BMW! You need never let anyone out of a junction ever again.
80 points: You take smugness to a new level, and you have no mates. Well done! You qualify to drive that most BMW of all BMWs, the 3-Series Convertible.
More than 80 points: Not only are you smug and friendless, but you tell fibs too.
Brilliant! You have landed yourself a plum job on our sales team, where you can talk about yourself to other BMW drivers all day every day. Congratulations, it's no less than you deserve!

Views from BMW Drivers

The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW.

Women drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120m per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.


...if only it was this easy

The worst drivers are BMW Drivers...Its Official!

'The worst drivers own BMWs'

By David Millward, Transport Correspondent Daily Telegraph
Published: 12:01AM BST 06 Oct 2006

BMW owners have been named as the worst drivers in Britain in a poll of more than 5,000 motorists.

The survey showed that the image of the BMW driver has not changed since they came to symbolise the brash winners of the boom-bust economy of the 1980s.

"They seem to be unable to use signals, expecting others on the road to have psychic powers," said Ian Vince, co-author of The Myway Code, who organised the survey.

"We were really surprised that BMW drivers got so many votes. We expected Chelsea Tractors and 'White Van Man' to come in higher.

"The BMW is a smug car and perhaps there is some envy towards the drivers from those of us in our Fiestas."

Those who drive 4x4s drew the ire of just over a third of the number who nominated BMW drivers, while "white van" drivers came in third.

Mr Vince added: "BMWs are solidly and beautifully built cars and, as a result, their drivers seem detached from the rest of the world.

"They seem to be insulated by all this teutonic engineering. It is like travelling in a womb."

or are they?...

Claims figures show BMW drivers not worst on road

According to a recent report many motorists think that the worst drivers on the road are those that drive BMWs. However, recently released figures relating to insurance claims have suggested that this is not the case.

Officials from Auto Trader Compare recently carried out research, and the results showed that nearly 60 percent of respondents thought that BMW drivers were the worst drivers on the roads of the UK.

The results went on to show that 42 percent of respondents thought that Subaru drivers were the worst drivers, and next on the list were Audi drivers and then Mercedes Benz drivers.

With regards to BMW drivers many of the respondents said that they thought that they were bad or dangerous drivers because they drove too fast, intimidated other drivers on the road, overtook in places that were no appropriate, and drove too close to the vehicle that was in front of them.

However, claims figures that were recently released showed quite a different story, with the drivers that appeared to be making the most insurance claims being drivers of Ford vehicles. The research into insurance claims was released by Swiftcover.com and looked at claims between April 2008 and April 2009. The figures showed that 23 percent of all claims were from Ford drivers.

The research from Auto Trader Compare also showed that 37 percent of people still thought that men were safer and better drivers than women, and that van drivers, younger drivers, and old drivers were still amongst the worst on the road. Londoners were deemed to be the worst drivers in terms of area, and Sunday drivers were thought to be worse than rush hour drivers.

OK - so they may not actually be the worst - just everyone thinks they are????

Some fine examples of BMW Drivers...

W3C WAI-AAChris Plummer Chris Plummer |
Email: mail@bmwsucks.com